Venting and Constructive Communication#
Constructive conversation and venting are mostly distinguished by asking ourselves
“Will these words help me achieve my goal?”
If the answer is “no” then we’re probably venting. This post explores and tries to name this universal experience.
Have a Mental Model of Your Partner#
When I’m at my best I have a mental model of the person I’m speaking with.
If they like sports, I’ll use sports metaphors
If they’re in a rush, I’ll be to the point
If they don’t speak my language well, I’ll use simple language and speak clearly
If they’re struggling emotionally, I’ll avoid anything critical, nod my head, and listen actively
Effective language targets the listener. It’s not the words that we want to say. It’s the words that we think will be most effective at influencing our partner. Having a good mental model of our partner helps us craft effective language.
Ideally when I want to influence someone (say, get them to add a feature to a product) I first check my words against my mental model of that person and come up with the right words to engage them in particular. I then hope my model is accurate.
To be clear, I’m pretty bad at this; but this is what I strive towards, and this is my standard for “constructive communication”.
Venting#
Conversely, when I intercede with colleagues having a dispute (or when I look back at my own disputes) I’ll look at e-mails or listen to people talk and I’ll see unconstructive language like the following:
“Do you really think that was a good idea?”
“This is a really badly done”
“This direction is obviously going nowhere”
These things might even be true but they’re usually not constructive.
If we ask the person who said this a few questions (or ask ourselves, if we are that person), it quickly becomes clear that we’re not serving our own interests:
Q: What is your goal here?
A: To get them to change their behaviorQ: How do you think what you’ve just said/written will land with them?
A: … I guess it’ll make them upset … but they’re wrong!Q: Do you think that that’s more likely to make them change their behavior?
A: Yeah ok, probably not
Obviously no one ever has this conversation, but it’s a good check for us to do on ourselves.
Q: Do we think that the thing we just said serves our interest?
If yes: it’s constructive, and in service of our goals
If no: it’s probably just venting, and we’re sacrificing our relationship (and thus any future ability to affect change) for immediate gratification of our frustration
We all vent. Everyone. Me. You. The Pope. Even Barack Obama vents.
Venting isn’t professional#
Venting is not good, but it is normal. Everyone is expected to vent sometimes.
However, as you climb an organizational chart, you become less able to vent. If you manage people for example, you’re not really allowed to vent to them all that much. You can probably vent up the chain of command, but I find it’s good to start with “I just really need to vent right now, do you mind?”. The larger the crowd you’re in (like a big meeting) you’re less able to vent; you have to drive the conversation in a constructive direction.
Also, venting damages relationships. Success in organizations depends on one’s ability to build and maintain relationships. Without relationships you’re unable to collaborate effectively, and you’ll only ever be as strong as yourself or your own group. While some ICs might not be expected to maintain relationships across the company, managers and company leaders certainly are.
Relationship building is a requirement for climbing an organizational chart, and venting runs counter to that goal.
There’s Gold Behind the Vent#
But venting does have real value. There’s some idea behind the vent that’s causing you stress. Your gut is telling you something important and valuable.
The mark of a real leader is someone who can feel those raw frustrations acutely, vent internally, ask “What am I feeling here?”, and then identify the constructive idea behind the vent. Finally, effective communicators think how to constructively communicate that idea to one’s colleagues in a way that they will connect with.
This is super hard. If it feels impossible then that’s probably a signal that you need to do two things first:
Build a better relationship with your partner
Grab a beer. Talk about their kids. Anything just to jointly establish that you’re both reasonable people. Don’t push work topics too early.
Build a better mental model of your partner
This way you can shape your message not as you most want to say it, but as you think they’re most likely able to receive it
This takes time. It’s an investment. It absolutely pays off.